


the world never stops spinning

by seonhoney



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pure sadness, Short One Shot, and being angst, dont mind me, just me rambling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:00:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seonhoney/pseuds/seonhoney
Summary: you’ve been the best of friend, the best of my lifeundying love for youthank you. thank you for appearing in my life and sorry for leaving you alone.diary entries from one best friend to the love of his life
Relationships: Kang Daniel/Ong Seongwu, Kang Daniel/Park Jihoon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	the world never stops spinning

**Author's Note:**

> pardon my extremely bad english though it's a 2 am thing because i was feeling upset! :-(

Cold sweat started dripping down from his forehead to his neck. Daniel got up from his bed and looked at the clock. _2:43am._ He let out a sigh silently in fear of waking up his partner who was sleeping right next to him. _Ugly fool with your mouth open,_ he thought. Well, lucky for him, the next day was a weekend hence he did not have to wake up early and could sleep till the sun kiss his ass. Both literally and figuratively- the person he was sleeping next to was literally the sun - blinding Daniel 24/7. He kissed his partner on the forehead before silently and immaculately opening the door. The door gave out the softest sounding creak in response. 

He dragged his feet all the way to the kitchen, ruffling his hair on the way and letting out yawns here and there. Not a surprise after spending the entire Friday night partying away. After finishing a major project, Jisung, his manager decided to bring them to a pub to reward them for their hard work for the past few months. Pulling open the top cabinet, he scavenged through the cabinet in hopes of finding god - aspirin. He could feel his head tearing apart, as though someone was pressing and pulling his head apart with immense force. _Just like slime_. After what felt forever to him, he finally found it and took it with a cup of water. The cold air let itself in through the open windows in the kitchen. 

_Great. How am I going to sleep now zz?_ Guess it meant another sleepless night him. The sound of soft raindrops falling onto the window pane created the atmosphere. He felt... _Sad?_ But why? He just had one of the best nights of his life partying away after finishing such a pain-in-the-ass project. Why was he _sad?_ He subconsciously stood up and walked to his study room with a glass of Blackstone Merlot - something he could afford. Once he stepped into the room, he turned on the study lamp, creating an atmosphere together with the soft drizzle pelting on the window. _pitter. patter._

He slowly opened the bottom right drawer underneath his table, pulling out a book. This book looked ridiculous, with a big ass seal drawn in the middle. On top of that, the seal had 3 black dots drawn on it, signifying the seal’s moles. Strangely enough, though, the 3 “moles” formed a constellation. At the top right-hand side, there were words written on it. “this leads to a surprise 1!1! Start here. Go to the bottom right corner and continue from there.” Daniel’s eyes followed the instruction given and went over to the bottom right corner of the diary book. “you are now one step closer!!!! now go to the bottom left corner” At the bottom left corner, it said “now turn behind!” Upon turning to the back of the book, there was this huge peach drawing in the middle. It looked ridiculous... and it even had a mole underneath the eyes. Not to mention the whole peach only has one tooth. Below the drawing had 3 words, “Ongie loves peachy!!!” Daniel subconsciously smiled even after going through the same thing for over a million times. It’s just, cute. It was supposed to be great, yet he felt tears rolling down his eyes.

The book, however, had a lock on, keeping the book shut unless you are the owner. Daniel took off his necklace, to be exact a key necklace, and inserted it into the hole. One turn. The book opened. This necklace was a treasure to Daniel. He wore it wherever he went - to work, to sleep, to party, to play sports, literally anywhere. Many people thought it was just an accessory he got from the dollar shop, little did they know it had such a sentimental value.

He flipped open to the first page of the book. The pages of the book felt very old - as if it’s been flipped through hundred thousand times. You know, it kind of feels like a library book - an old library book, except it is of better condition because it meant the world to Daniel.

_to the guy who taught me that love wasn’t about gender_

_love wasn’t just a thing between guys and girls_

_love is about feelings_

_love has no limit_

_“where there is love, there is life.”_

_i guess_

_you are my life._

_love is you to me._

Tears flowed down Daniel’s cheeks like rivulets.

“ _Why? Why did you have to?”_

Daniel flipped to the next page and appearing in front of him was a picture of him and Seongwu when they were still young, wild and free. It was such a stupid picture of the both, with Daniel carrying Seongwu like a bride and Daniel looked as if he was able to pass out. Daniel and Seongwu were childhood friends. They grew up together as neighbours and it stayed that way from when they were born to when they became old enough to move out of their current home. Nothing changed though, because they rented an apartment big enough to fit the both together with Daniel’s cats and to fit Seongwu’s obsession with seal dolls, just because it had the same three moles as him. Back to the story, the picture jolted Daniel’s memories. 

_“Stop you’re going to hurt yourself you stupid fool” Seongwu_ exclaimed as Daniel attempted to carry him bridal style. Seongwu was a year older than Daniel and at that point of time, Seongwu was bigger in size as compared to Daniel. That changed as time passed, though. “ _I don’t care I want to do it because I love my Seongwu hyung kekeke”_ Daniel replied as his eyes became a straight line and he let out a cute snicker. “ _I saw them do this on the television when the male lead carried the female lead during a wedding!! I want to marry you too because I love you”_ _I love you_. _I really did._ They grew up together, only the two of them, inseparable, as though one was the shadow of the other. They always depended on each other, went to school together, sometimes even bathed together. To kids, the definition of love wasn’t just an intense affection between two people of the opposite gender. It was about spending the rest of their lives with a person.

Beside the photo, there were words written on it.

_Hi Daniel, do you still remember what happened when we took this picture. You told me that you want to marry me and that you love me. Guess what, me too. I loved you too. I loved you so much and I really want to be with you. I loved that you were always there for me when I was a literal mess and not leaving my side at all. I loved that you always made sure I was fine even when I act like I was fine. I loved that you knew me more than I knew myself. I loved you. Did you?_

Tears started flowing down Daniel’s cheeks as he turned to the next page. Though there were no pictures, it was filled full of words, words that were so messy that Daniel found it amusing he could read. _Of course, he did._

_Hi Daniel, today was a bad day. A really bad day. Well, for me of course. You were beaming with joy though. During lunch today, you came to me and broke the news._

_“Seongwu hyung! I got together with Yoojung!! She confessed to me and I just accepted! Let’s celebrate after school together” wow. You were dating. Hooray. I plastered a smile on my face as my heart silently cried inside. I was scared you would find out it was a fake smile, but I guess you were too excited to notice. Thank god. I hate how we are close. I hate how you came and told me about the dating news. I wish I didn’t know._

_Hi Daniel, wow it has been close to a week since we spent time out together. You’ve been so busy spending time with Yoojung that I rarely see you around. Truthfully, I hoped I never saw you. I tried my best to avoid seeing you, to avoid finding you, to stop always trying to spot for you during breaks. I tried my best to stop my heart. I really tried. I really tried to convince myself that what I felt for you was merely just a sense of attachment, just a “best-bro” thing, I really tried. Today, I was told that my grandmother passed away. My heart broke the second time this week. I bawled my eyes out and I immediately went to look for you next door, only to be told by Mama Kang that you weren’t in. Probably out with Yoojung. I wanted to phone you, but I was afraid I would disturb you. I kept it to myself. I cried alone for the first time ever. When you came back and knocked on my door, I really wanted to leap forward and hug you. I really did. But I knew I had to depend on myself eventually and I kept everything to myself. I need to get used to being alone. Eventually, you will be a part of someone else’s life. Eventually, I will no longer have you always by my side. Eventually, I will be without you. I must stop relying on you before I can’t live without you._

Now, Daniel was full out crying. He remembered everything. On that day, he went back home and heard what happened from his mother and immediately went knocking on Seongwu’s door, only to have Seongwu walking out with puffy eyes and telling Daniel that he was fine and that he wanted to rest. Daniel knew something was wrong, but he genuinely thought that Seongwu was just tired and that he wanted to rest. _Why didn’t I do something._

He flipped to the next page and he immediately knew that this was it. _This was a page filled with emotions._

_Daniel. I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. Today was supposed to be a happy day. We finally had saved enough money to afford a small room all to the both of us. I finally can spend alone time with you, just you and me. I really wanted to spend this time with you because ever since you got together with Yoojung, I rarely see you anymore. I rarely talk to you, rarely hug you, rarely rant to you, rarely confide in you, rarely tell anybody my personal things. Keeping everything to myself is hard, did you know? So many things have happened to me ever since you and Yoojung got together but then again you wouldn’t know and of course I don’t blame you. I blame myself, blame myself for being so weak without you, blame myself for depending so much on you. These few weeks were a torture for me. Liking someone of the same gender is so hard. Because it is not normal. Because no one accepts it openly yet. Not even you. The one I love. Remember the other time we had this conversation? The ‘gay, bi, straight’ conversation. The one where I kept confessing my feelings to you in a joking manner, but little did you know that I meant it for real. All the “I love you so much!!11!! Date me darling!!” were nothing but my true feelings. You replied with a “Sure baby let’s get together” my hopes were high. “just joking bro I’m straight as heck never would I date a guy. Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be weird for two guys to date no offence” my heart sank, my hopes shattered. You’re right. Being straight was normal. Is, I mean. Usually, I would talk to you about anything and everything that went on in my life. This time, I found a thing that I can’t. Ever since then, I tried my best not to love you anymore, I tried my best to keep my heart away from you, so that you would never know. I prayed you never know. My only wish was for us to stay this way. But. But. Today. I couldn’t. My feeling for you have been kept for so long I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. Spending my time in the room alone with you and you alone made me realise how much I love you, how much I depended on you and how much I need you in my life forever. The feelings I kept aside for so long came back. Everything rushed into me within seconds. Years of concealing this feeling were all exposed in one second. How do you do it? How do you do me like this? How do you control me more than I do myself? Why do I depend so much on you? Why do you mean so much to me? You mean so, so much to me. And I want to tell you that just now when I was lying on your bed, lying next to you, next to the one I love, next to the one I shouldn’t love, next to the one I can’t love. How do I do this?_

_Daniel, am I not normal? Am I really a freak to this society? Do I not deserve a chance to love?_

_Daniel how am I going to go through this without you. You’ve always been my pillar of support, someone I will go to when I am in need, someone I will go to when I need help, when I need support, when I need comfort. How am I going to do this? Why does a part of me want to end this right now, end it right away, even if it will be pain? I’m tired of feeling this way… I’m just so confused now I’m sorry._

Daniel recollected. That was the first day they moved in together and their beds weren’t in yet, so they settled on just a mattress and wanted to pull an all-nighter as a celebration of getting their own house. A home. It was very big, half of it belonged to Seongwu and the other half belonged to Daniel and they decorated their side with their own belonging- Daniel having not 1 but 3 cat houses while Seongwu had an entire closet of the seal which had the same three moles as him. 

That day, they bought fried chicken from a street stall and bottles of soju back home after a long day of shifting.

“Ahh this is so tiring but so satisfying” Daniel rumbled on and on and Seongwu rolled his eyes and said, “Shut up and eat stupid” Secretly, Seongwu was happy. He was so excited to be rooming with Daniel and he can’t wait for all the fun little things they would do together - sitting in front of the tv deciding whether DC or Marvel was better, playing FIFA together with Daniel and sucking in it like he does for every game. Daniel just ended up laughing until his eyes formed 2 crescents while munching on the fried chicken in his hand. That night, they talked about everything while drinking soju. They caught up on everything they’ve missed ever since Yoojung came into the picture. Seongwu was wary he didn’t get too drunk, in fear that he would spill everything out. Everything he felt about Daniel. Daniel remembered clearly that Seongwu said this when they were talking.

“Why _am I like that, why am I like this. The more I get to know myself, the more I don’t want to accept this side of me. Daniel-ya, help me please. I’m-”_

At that point, Daniel was so tired he crashed on the mattress and started snoring immediately. Seongwu giggled at this sight. “So cute”. He then proceeded to cover Daniel with the blanket and made sure he was comfortable. “Sleep tight, idiot” 

In the middle of night, Daniel woke up because he wanted to go to the toilet and as he left the room, he saw Seongwu sitting in front of the table lamp, writing something in a book. Little did he know that it was the same book he was reading right now, the same book that had so much emotions. He clearly saw Seongwu tearing up as he wrote something inside the book. “Hyung? Are you alright?” Seongwu jumped up in response and quickly kept the book aside, wiped away his tears and faked a yawn. “* _yawn*_ yeah I’m fine I was just writing something and I’m so tired right now I want to sleep let’s go back to sleep cuddle with me ya~” Deep inside, he hurt. _So bad._

The next page was also the last page. It was _the end. The end of it all. Everything._

Daniel felt his heart wrench when he flipped to the next page. It was so painful to even flip the page even though he had already done is so many times. It was so overwhelming, every feelings and emotion he had were flowing out. _Pitter patter. Pitter patter._ The weather spoke for him. Overwhelmed with emotions, he read the last page. 

_Dear Daniel, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live with the ‘me’ now. I just can’t. I can’t go to bed every night thinking of how different I am from normal people. I can’t go to bed every night thinking of how everyone will look at me. I can’t do this anymore. Every night, I go to bed and I can’t help but to hate myself. Hate myself for being like that. Daniel, you’ve been my pillar of support for the longest time, for all my life, you’ve always been there for me and I’m extremely grateful for you. But, at this moment, at this time, I can’t bring myself to depend on you, for I fear what you might think about me. “To be honest, I don’t really like gays…” This has always been in my mind. I have always depended on you, coming to you when I have any problems, coming to you when I need help, when I need comfort. But ever since you got together with Yoojung, I can’t seem to bring myself to trouble you with my own problems. I can clearly see from your eyes that you have your own problems that you need to deal with too. But you never bring it up to me, you never wanted to make me worry about you. What rights do I have to trouble you with my own problems? Especially when it is about you… All my life, I’ve been blessed with so many things, with so many people. My life has been great. I’ve a happy family, great friends, and you. Man, what had I done in my previous life to have met you? What good deeds did I do to deserve someone like you. I don’t deserve someone like you. Daniel… the demon inside of me is winning… It’s currently 3.42 am and you’re asleep. Damn, you look so cute when you’re sleeping. How I wish I can see that for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I won’t be the one to do that. I don’t deserve the happy life I have now. I don’t deserve anything good. All I wish for, forever, is for you to be happy wherever and whenever. Never let anyone or anything put you down. You deserve the best, something I would never be able to give you. Not now, not in the future._

_  
“I can’t endure this, I’m afraid of this_

_  
The darkness without you is so unfamiliar to me_

_  
Without the light that is you_

_  
This night this loneliness just gets even longer_

_  
I can’t take it no_

_  
Will you come back to me”?_

_“I_ _remember our first moment_

_when it seemed like it would stay forever_

_your unchanged gaze_

_in front of the coming farewell_

_even I couldn’t realize it_

_If I let go of your hand first_

_and say that I have to go_

_how would you feel when I say I’ll come back again_

_if I were you_

_I wouldn’t believe it”_

_I’m listening to these songs now and I can’t help but to think of us. I’m done torturing myself by staying alive. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Every single day, I live in disgrace, I live in shame thinking that I’m someone who isn’t considered normal, I’m someone that I don’t want to be. I don’t have a choice in my sexuality either. All I know is… I want you. I’ve always tried to convince myself by saying that it doesn’t matter on the gender. It only matters on the feelings and it just so happens that you are a guy. I have the right feelings for a guy. I have an attraction towards a guy. All because this guy gave me the right feelings. All this time I have been trying my best to get over myself, telling myself that these weren’t sexual attraction, it was mere attachment issues, it was only me being over reliant on you. I was right, I am too reliant on you. Ever since I decided to depend on myself, I realised how weak I was, how I was not able to control my own emotions, how I am nothing without you. For that, I want to thank you for never leaving my side. Ever since we were young, I always bullied you because I was the hyung. I always would pinch you for fun, always would steal your food, always would call you names, always will snatch the remote control away from you while you were watching you favourite “Spiderman” series and change it over to what I like, always would making you sleep on the mattress while I slept on the bed when I slept over that your house. I didn’t mean all of these. I really didn’t. Thank you for not getting mad at me, for not leaving my side and for staying as my friend. This life, I was fortunate to be your friend. Next life, I hope I would be fortunate enough to be your partner. I’m so sorry for being so weak, for being not able to overcome the demon inside of me, for leaving you behind. But I’m happy that at least you still have Yoojung with you. Yoojung is a nice girl, be nice to her. Be as nice as I would be to you, although you’ll obviously do a better job. Please help me tell my parents that their disappointing son is going to leave, that he loves them so much but he can’t accept himself so he does not expect his parents to accept him, that it’s not their fault everything came out this way, that he loves them so, so much he will always be by their side, even if he won’t do so physically. And to you, Daniel, thank you so much for everything. Thank you so much for always being by my side. I’ve probably repeated this so many times, but I really can’t thank you enough for everything. I really can’t bear to leave you… But I even more can’t bear to watch you from afar. Forgive me for being so selfish. Forgive me please._

_the world never stops spinning when a person is gone._

_hope you will still be well when I am gone_

_never forget me you bastard and_

_never cry for your tears is my_ _kryptonite_

_you’ve been the best of friend, the best of my life_

_undying love for you_

_thank you. thank you for appearing in my life and sorry for leaving you alone._

_“_ _I’ll be forever with you_

_I’ll pray, anything for you_

_Letting you have my present_

_If you need anything, whatever it is just tell me_

_Right here I wanna be with you_

_You’re the one yeah”_

_I want you to know that no matter where I go, no matter where I am, I will always be with you. Always. Don’t forget the times when we ate chicken together, when we played together, when we slept together, don’t forget me. I will always be here for you, even if I can’t do that physically. I will always, always be with you. Thank you for you and I sincerely pray for you to always, always be happy, for your happiness, is mine too._

That was it. The end of the diary. At this point, Daniel had already started breaking down and wailing, for he realised he had really lost an important part of his life. He was gone. Forever. Someone caressed him from the back and asked “Baby, what’s wrong? I’m here talk to me” Jihoon’s voice made Daniel realise that he had accidentally woke his partner up. “Nothing is wrong I was just thinking of something. Let’s go back to sleep I’ll be fine.” He forced a smile while walking back to his room with Jihoon. Kissing Jihoon on the forehead, Daniel closed his eyes. However, all he saw was Seongwu’s cold and unresponsive body next to bottles of pills. Tears escaped his eyes as he was reminded of what happened. He lost the love of his life, all because he was afraid of accepting who he was. He lost the love of his life all because he was afraid to be someone different. And now, time would never return to the past. The world never stops spinning.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> just a short one shot of me trying to write an angst based off true emotions. a story of kang daniel and ong seongwu loving yet realising it was too late. if only they could be more honest with one another, and that love could wait. sad truth is, sometimes things don't go the way we want it to. sometimes we just get thrown into a mess, expecting to get out of it. and if you dont, you dont. wow me rambling AGAIN well thanks if you read it!


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